How do you deal with jealousy and non monogamy?
The first thing I often hear when I tell someone I’m in an non monogamous relationship is, “I could never do that. I’m such a jealous person” or “I can’t do that. I don’t like to share”
We need to stop thinking about our significant others as possessions. Your partner is not something you own. Choosing to be in a relationship doesn’t give you control over their body, nor over their needs and wants. Besides, what if your partner is completely comfortable with sharing you?
I’ve found its much easier for people to say that they are jealous instead of admitting they are insecure and afraid. Really take a moment to think about it. If you find that you’re feeling jealous of something but it isn’t your partners intention to make you feel this way, then why are you jealous?
Jealousy and non monogamy will always go hand in hand. But it’s not about completely erasing the feeling of being jealous. It’s about learning where those feelings are coming from and how best to mitigate them.
Are you nervous that your partner might start to prefer this other person over you?
Think about what might help to make you feel a bit more secure. Would it be knowing more about this other person so that you no longer view them as a “threat”. Maybe it’s a standing once a week date night where you and your partner have a chance to reconnect, just the two of you. It could be as simple as more words of affirmation from your partner.
It’s also important to remember that all relationships are special and unique. There might be something that your partner really enjoys doing with you and something they really enjoy doing with someone else. And that’s ok.
Are you worried that your partner might find this other person more attractive, or you think they wish you looked like that?
This fear may sometimes come up if your partner ends up interacting with someone younger, or of a different gender or ethnicity. You might think, “Well I’m very different physically from this other person. Is that what they’ve really been wanting all along?” It’s almost human nature to assume people have a “type”. So if your partner only ends up with folks that look like you, you might wonder why then don’t they just want to be with only you. But if your partner ends up with folks that are your opposite, you might have anxiety about if you were what your partner actually wanted or was this other person their “type” all along.
Once again, communicate these fears to your partner. But also believe and trust what they have to say. If they say, “I love you phat ass!”, believe them, even if the person they played with recently had a smaller butt.
What do I do while my partner is out with someone else? I’m going to go crazy thinking about it.
This is the perfect time for some self care! Take a nice, long hot bath. Curl up with a good book. Go out on a date of your own. We’ve been conditioned to think that selfishness is bad, but sometimes a bit of independence can be nice.
Sure the first few times, it might feel weird and uncomfortable. But you might come to see this time as something that you’re actually looking forward to.
Non monogamy isn’t just all fun and sex. It takes real honesty and communication. Not just with your partner(s) but with yourself as well.
I don’t want this to come across as “holier than thou” for my monogamous readers. I completely understand that non monogamy isn’t for everyone. But don’t let societal norms and your own fears keep you from exploring something you’re interested in.