The phrase “supposed to” in regards to BDSM really pisses me the fuck off. You’re a Domme so you’re supposed to be mean. I’m a sub so I’m supposed to be a loser….
NEWSFLASH! This is bullshit.
It’s ok if you fell into this trap, I did too at first. I started my BDSM journey as a submissive only but I was always (and still am) a headstrong and bratty sub. When a close friend (and who turned out to be my first sub) said I could be a Mistress, I was like, “Nahhhhh. I’m not mean enough. I’m not controlling enough. I’m not dominant enough. I don’t want to give up my Master, ect ect ect.” I had succumbed to this idea of the stereotypical Domme.
If you are a naturally dominant person, then anything you do is Domme. You can do things however you want to do them. You don’t have to be mean to be a Domme, which honestly was a relief to me. Like sure, I’ll have my sadist streaks but being mean for the sake of just being mean was never me.
And these words of wisdom pertain to submissives too! Just because you are a sub that doesn’t make you automatically weak, a loser, a beta or a pig. You don’t have to like certain things because it’s seen as a “submissive thing”. You also don’t have to go along with things that a Domme makes you do if it breaks one of your limits. You’re allowed to speak up for yourself and yes, you can tell your Domme ‘no’. Now, it should always be done in a respectful way and should definitely be followed by an in-depth conversation but a submissive also doesn’t “have to be” silent.
Choose whatever label fits you, or don’t use a label at all. Be a dominant man who loves chastity or a submissive woman who’s a rigger. So often we get caught up in what’s “supposed to” be that we don’t focus enough on “what is”.
Take the time to be introspective. Do you want to submit because you think that’s what you’re supposed to do? What about calling subs losers? Sending more that you can afford? Taking pictures of more than you’re comfortable showing?
Be you, whoever it is that you are. And I guarantee the people that are going to like that you will find you.